general
Dec 25, 2013
Need some holiday reading?
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Merry Christmas!

If you're looking for some enjoyable, laugh out loud funny reading material to pass the time while your drunk uncle drones on about something or the other at your family's holiday gathering, you can't go wrong with this hysterical murder mystery...

The Mainstream Murders

 

 
 
Oct 25, 2012
Warren Murphy Endorses Romney/Ryan Ticket
Category: General
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Adventure novelist Warren Murphy makes no secret of his support for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan next month.  "Another dismal four years mismanaged by the pathological liars of President Box'o'rocks will be more than America can take."

Murphy's long running Destroyer series of books has been on the right for over 40 years with more than 50 million books sold worldwide, and one conservative publication called the series "largely unheralded pioneers: of the conservative movement."

While the endorsement is new, Murphy has not hidden his antipathy toward the "current denizens" of the White House and in two recent Destroyer Kindle novellas, "Savage Song" and "Number Two," comical superheroes Remo and Chiun have taken on such ludicrous targets as White House czars and free American guns to Mexican criminals, as well as a President who can't say "hello" without a teleprompter.
Oct 17, 2012
So you want to write a novel…
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So you want to write a novel but don’t know how to start?  Here’s an answer.  At long last, my novel-writing course is starting up on line at www.warrenmurphy.com, on my writing class page.  Only for my facebook friends,  I have cut my usual teaching rate from $7 million a day to free.  So come on down, and invite your own gaggle of friends to join you.  I love traffic. 
Mar 31, 2011
The Stopped Donald:
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 I personally regard Donald Trump as one of the most useless carbon life forms on Planet Earth. He’s a tasteless buffoon, a publicity hound, and maybe the world’s worst businessman.

But, as they say, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. And now perhaps it’s the Donald’s turn.

First of all, Trump has joined the birthers, casting doubts upon the citizenship of President Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name.) Trump wants to see the real Obama birth certificate, not some dollar-store version of one. I’ll leave that to him; I don’t have a horse in that race. But just today Trump upped the stakes when he said that Box’o'rocks never wrote “his” best selling book, Dreams of My Father. Instead, Trump says, it was written by Bill Ayers, revolutionary extraordinary and dear close personal friend of the Messiah. And in this case, common sense and literary analysis must tell us all that Trump is absolutely right…and Obama’s supposed writing abilities are a fraud — actually just like everything else in his life.
Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name) has written nothing. In law school he managed one small article that no one remembers. Apart from that, here — presented for your viewing pleasure — is his other literary achievement, a poem called “Underground” and it goes:

Under water grottos, caverns
Filled with apes
That eat figs.
Stepping on the figs
That the apes
eat, they crunch.
The apes howl, bare
Their fangs, dance,
Tumble in the
Rushing waters,
Musty, wet pelts
Glistening in the blue.

Sure. And from there, it’s barely a step to the NY Times best seller list for “an outstanding literary achievement.” Pardon me while I fwow up.

I don’t even mind so much that President Puss-in-boots is an anti-semite nincompoop, bent on destroying the United States, and that he has bankrupted us and made us laughing stocks all around the world. Maybe I could put up with that…but the idea of a guy pretending to be a writer and not giving his ghostwriter any credit…well, that goes beyond the pale.

We haven’t seen anything that awful since President Kennedy “wrote” Profiles in Courage and won a Pulitzer Prize, while quietly sending royalty checks to his ghost, Ted Sorenson.
Maybe the rule is when you see a Democrat on a book tour, you’re in better company sticking with Donald Trump.
Mar 3, 2011
You’ve got to plan ahead
Category: General
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It’s never too soon to think about things like this. So when President Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name) goes public with his reelection campaign, here’s a suggestion for a theme song: the old Bing Crosby standard, “I surrender, dear.” This will remind everyone of his wonderful Jimmy Carteresque foreign policy, otherwise known as whose shoes can I kiss today?
Mar 2, 2011
Here’s an idea; let’s put on a show!
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I truly look forward to the day when Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Low-Rent bump into each other in prison and do the old Garland-Rooney thing: “Let’s put on a show!” and work up a prison musical.

Unfortunately Mel Brooks has already used “Springtime for Hitler” so Sheen will have to find something else to whet his anti-semitic appetite. Speaking of which, the other night he was ripping his old producer, Chuck Lorre, whose birth name was Charles Levine, but whom Sheen in a classic anti-Jew rant kept calling “Chaim Levine.” Still, isn’t it passing strange that a man’s name should be made fun of by someone who calls himself Charlie Sheen but whose real name is actually Carlos Estevez? Que pasa?
Mar 2, 2011
Ave atque vale:
Category: General
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Duke Snider, the Brooklyn Dodgers centerfielder who died this week, was a member of the greatest outfield triumvirate ever assembled when, back in the 50′s and 60′s, Mickey Mantle played centerfield for the Yankees, Willy Mays for the Giants, and the Dook for the Dodgers, all in New York City. And while he didn’t get the headlines like the other two, Snider was often, for years at a clip, the best of the three. Farewell to a class act.
Mar 2, 2011
If only we were more understanding
Category: General
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So two American airmen are shot and killed in a German airport by some nitwit shouting Allah Akbar. So….just how long do you think it will be before somebody close to President Puss-in-Boots (Bless his holy name) will say it was just a “random act of violence” and had nothing to do with Islam?

Sure, maybe the devout Muslim gunman was just yelling “I wants a Mars Bar,” and got mad when the service was too slow.
Mar 2, 2011
The lowdown on peace and looooooooooove
Category: General
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 The Koran is the Muslim bible and its earliest-written parts talk about peace and love and approvingly call Jews and Christians “the children of the Book.” But all major Islamic authorities hold that the Koran must be read so that the parts written later — after Muhammad went to Medina in 622 A.D. — override the earlier sections. This is called the theory of abrogation.

 

So what kind of stuff shows up in the Koran and now takes precedence over all the blather about peace and loooooove? There are 114 Surahs (chapters) in the scripture. Here are a couple of the later ones that are now the law of the land.

Surah 9, verse 5: “Fight and slay the unbelievers wherever ye find them and lie in wait for them in every stratagem of war….”

And moving right along on the path of peace and love, we come to Surah 9, verse 29, which reads: “Fight those who believe not in Allah nor the Last Day nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by Allah and and his apostle, nor acknowledge the religion of truth, even if they are of the 40 people of the Book, until they pay the jizya (tax on non-Muslims) with willing submission and feel themselves subdued.”

Surah 5, Verse 51: “O, ye who believe. Take not the Jews and Christians for your friends and protectors. They are but friends and protectors to each other. And he among you that turns to them for friendship is of them, and verily Allah guideth not the unjust.”

And Surah 3, Verse 28, outlines the doctrine of Taqiyya which holds that Muslims should not be friends with “the infidel” — (that’s us, friends) — except as deception.

The most obvious example of such deception — that we see around us every day — is the constant quoting by Muslim activists of those passages of the Koran from the early part of Muhammad’s life when he was living in Mecca. These are the texts that are peaceful and tolerant toward those who don’t follow Islam. But even while they’re saying that, activist Muslims are fully aware that most of these passages were abrogated by passages written after Muhammad went to Medina. And these later passages, which now are boss, are the underlying doctrines behind the goal of Jihad, holy war against all you infidels.

Just so you know, in case anybody asks.
Feb 16, 2011
Nothing worse than jappery
Category: General
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 Just a note along the way. The so-called showdown between human and computer on Jeopardy — (my Japanese mother-in-law used to call the show ‘Jappery’) — was a farce. I absolutely knew that if humans could log in before waiting for the whole question to be asked, they would win. But it turned out, those weren’t the rules. Everybody had to wait until the question was finally asked, which meant that humans — automatically — were going to be slower in clicking in than was a freaking machine that measured click-on time in millionths of a second. Just for a moment, go back, and think about this — a computer “beat” Gary Kasparov, the great grandmaster chess champ, in a five game match when Gary wasn’t well, up to snuff, and it just beat him –3-2 –when he made several uncharacteristic errors. Give me Gary, a twenty-game match, and he will kick the computer’s ass. Ditto today on Jappery. We are supposed to be impressed by some stupid machine that is asked the name of the United States city that houses an aiirport, named after a war hero, and its answer is “Toronto?” Toronto? Hello? Earlier it answered a question about a Paris museum and its answer was “the museum of Picasso.” That is just utterly stupid.

In passing, even allowing for Alzheimer’s, playing this game against the board, I beat the hell out of Watson. Not so good, world; my Mensa days are long behind me, but even allowing for that, don’t count on computers replacing us any time soon.

(P.S. If there are any chess freaks out there, I once wrote a chess-based novel about this subject called “End Game,” under the pen name of Dev Stryker. You might recognize some of the humans involved in it. (But along the way, if any of you try to pick this up in a used book shop or website, make sure to buy the paperback version because the imbecile publishers got the critical chess diagram wrong in the hardcover book. Can you guess why I hate publishers?)
Feb 10, 2011
Stand back; I are a jenius:
Category: General
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 James Clapper, the director of national intelligence — (what an idiotic title for this guy) — has once again paraded his total unconsciousness in front of the American public. A couple of weeks ago, he was asked about a bomb plot unearthed in London, but nobody had told him about it. Today he testifies before Congress and, as I warned you, started talking about the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt as just a nice sweet secular group, “eschewing” violence. An hour later, he was contradicted by the FBI director who baasically said, “Eschew this;” the Brotherhood is indeed a terrorist organization.

Does anyone in the Box’o'rocks administration know anything?
Feb 7, 2011
I spell Pinocchio O-B-A-M-A
Category: General
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Remember this from President Box’o'rocks two years ago?

“I can make a firm pledge. Under my plan, no family making less than $250,000 a year will see any form of tax increase. Not your income tax, not your payroll tax, not your capital gains taxes, not any of your taxes.”

But that was then and this is now. Beginning January 1, 2013, ObamaCare imposes a 3.8% Medicare tax on unearned income, including the sale of single family homes, townhouses, co-ops, condominiums, and even rental income.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Feb 7, 2011
Close call for Coop
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Wow. Anderson Cooper, the CNN anchor, was assaulted in Egypt. It was probably the work of those evil, terroristic “tea-baggers” that he is always mocking. Thank heavens he was surrounded by those moderate apostles of peace and looooooooovvve, that his network admires so much, and they were able to rescue him from the Sarah Palin gang.
Feb 6, 2011
A lot of rhyme but no reason:
Category: General
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 History doesn’t always repeat itself but it almost always rhymes, as it is doing today during the Egyptian turmoil.

 

The last time we had a certifiable halfwit in the White House was Jimmy Carter back in the late 70′s. At that time, Iran was in the hands of the Shah — a dictator to be sure, but by most standards, a pretty benevolent one. He was a friend of the U.S. and he was running a state that was remarkably liberalizing. Women were allowed to go to college; Western dress was accepted; shaaria law was nowhere to be seen.

So what did this anti-semite moron in the White House do? He threw the shah over the side and helped bring about the transfer of Iran from an American ally into the religious-fanatic, women-oppressing, hostage-taking, seventh-century, sewer that it now is . And now soon to be nuclear armed. And probably on a path to triggering World War III…nuclear this time.

Fast forward to today and what do we have now? Mubarak in Egypt, a dictator, but an ally of the U.S. For thirty years, he has stood behind a peace treaty between Egypt and Israel that has been the strongest factor in there not being an all-out shooting war in the area in those three decades. So President Box’o'rocks, Bless his holy name, has now tossed Mubarak over the side. And waiting in the wings is the Muslim Brotherhood. Count on it — you can guess how bad they are because the mainstream media in the U.S. is already calling this gang a “a force for moderation.” Moderate. Not Ideological. Not in support of Islamic terrorism.

Sure. Simply another voice of peace and loooooooooovvvve. Just like Hitler.

Heaven help us all.
Feb 6, 2011
Rules by which I live:
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Anytime there’s trouble or stupidity in the world, look around for a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and there’s your culprit. For instance: Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Yassir Nossir Arafat, President Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name.) I rest my case.
Feb 6, 2011
Nobody asked me but...
Category: General
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 Does anybody else find Donald Trump as annoying as I do? I suppose if you’ve got enough money and enough public relations people, it’s inevitable that you can get your face plastered all over every tabloid in town, but must you pose for pictures with that stupid lip sticking out, thinking it makes you look tough? Pitiful.

And speaking of pitiful, what about all those TV sports producers who think that any of us who occasionally watch basketball are entranced by the antics of Spike Lee at courtside? Who cares who this cretin is rooting for? Why doesn’t he just stay home?

And speaking of basketball, I kept hearing about Blake Griffin, the slam-dunk king of the game today, so I checked him out and, yes, he is a big strong dunking machine, but every score is the same — just pure power, throw it down, in your face, mama. And after a while it gets boring. Add up every slam dunk this kid makes this year, and all of them together don’t exhibit the artistry of any one single shot by Julius Erving in his prime.

And speaking of basketball scoring, the greatest shooter — (and probably ball-handler) — that I ever saw was Pistol Pete Maravich. In college, he set the all-time scoring record with a 44 point verage…and that was before the three-point line was introduced. Somebody went back through all the film of Maravich’s games and figured out that if the three-point shot had existed in those days, Pistol Pete’s scoring average would have been 57 points a game. The three-point shot came to the NBA in 1979-80, Maravich’s last year, and despite aching knees and failing health — (he would die only a couple of years later) — his three point average that final year was 67 percent. He was Showtime before there was Showtime.
Feb 6, 2011
Always time for humor:
Category: General
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 Here’s the joke for the day….for this day or any day. President Box’o'rocks (bless his holy name) has now suddenly become a fan of Ronald Reagan and channeling The Gipper. But of course, as with Obama, it is all talk; all wind and dishwater, with no substance behind it.

Case in point: When Lech Walesa led the Polish shipyard workers on strike in the early 80′s, President Reagan lent them his moral support. So did the Pope. It was the first step and it led to the destruction of the Soviet union. That was Reagan.

Now moving right along, two years ago, three million Iranians marched in the streets of Tehran, trying to free their land from the Islamic despots. President Box’o'rocks surveyed the situation and then decided to go play golf. And spurred on by the silence from Washington, D.C., the revolution was crushed; and thousands were killed; and Iran slipped back even deeper into the dark ages of ignorance and lunacy. With a helping hand from Box’o'rocks’ White House.

So when you hear the mainstreamers tell you that Obama is now taking Ronald Reagan as a model for the future, remember the truth…to emulate Reagan, he will have to grow a pair of body parts that he clearly doesn’t have right now.
Jan 17, 2011
Chafing under criticism
Category: General
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 Lincoln Chaffee, the jackass governor of Rhode Island, has decreed state employees can’t go on talk radio anymore and he won’t either. It seems he took offense when columnist Ann Coulter, writing of him, said “Maybe they shot the wrong Lincoln,” and then called him a half-wit. This was cited as an example of the “violence-tinged criticism” those in public life must must up with.

Actually, not. Most people, except liberal loons, can tell the difference between a joke and a threat. That excludes nincompoops like Chaffee, whom Coulter actually overestimated. He’s not smart enough to be a half-wit.
Jan 12, 2011
Science in the land of the prophet
Category: General
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 Wheeww. Not a moment too soon. Some of the geniuses in Saudi Arabia captured a bird — a vulture no less — with a nametag on its leg that read “Tel Aviv University” so they immediately knew it was a monogrammed secret weapon vulture sent to the land of Saud to kill everybody by drekking on their headgear. Before another holy war was started, however, somebody with an IQ over 65 found out that the bird was from an animal experiment and far from being a vulture, it was an eagle. Wow, close call, but score one for the forces of peace and loooooooovvvvvvve.

By the way, this follows closely on the heels on sharks being found near one of the Arab beaches and everyone “knowing” that they were sneaked in by the Israeli Mossad to destroy the tourist trade, which suicide bombers have been working so hard to build up. Those Jews won’t stop at anything.
Jan 1, 2011
And on earth, peace and love
Category: General
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I see that the followers of the religion of peace and loooooooove have celebrated brotherhood in Egypt with a suicide bombing that killed 21 Christians at Mass. Don’t hold your breath waiting for the mainstream media morons to be really, really upset about this. Well, maybe they will but first they have to do their really important business of writing another story criticizing Sarah Palin for killing a fish.
Dec 23, 2010
Nobody asked me but...
Category: General
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 During the last Presidential campaign, with a Republican in the White House, the press covered every one-cent hike in gasoline prices as if it were driving all of us to the poorhouse. Then along came President Box’o'rocks and the press lost interest in gas prices. No wonder. When Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name) took office, gas was $1.80 a gallon. Today, less than two years later, it just went above $3 and analysts are talking about $4 gasoline this summer. We don’t really need tax hikes from this administration; their routine day-to-day incompetence is quite sufficient to raise the cost of living enough to bankrupt all of us.

It’s pretty well agreed that if Robert E. Lee had won at Gettysburg, the union was finished and the South would have won the Civil War. So why didn’t the South win at Gettysburg? Lee’s plan was perfectly workmanlike with the crowning blow was to be Jeb Stuart coming around from behind with 4,000 highly-trained Cavalry to break open the Union lines. Except Stuart ran into one crazy Union Cavalry officer, with a small squad of 400 Michigan men. Outnumbered 10 to one, and answering their commander’s call of “Charge, you Wolverines,” they attacked Stuart’s forces and the Rebels turned and fled. And the union was saved.
And the young Cavalry officer? The youngest general in the Union Army. George Armstrong Custer…to whom we owe the United States of America.

I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m about fed up with Black Friday and Purple Tuesday and all these alleged wonderful shopping days because it doesn’t seem that they’re about shopping at all anymore.  They’re more about a gang of thugs staying up late to make a lot of noise, act thuggish, see if they can injure somebody and maybe even get lucky and steal something.  Call me when it’s over, huh?
Dec 22, 2010
Soon we’ll all be shovel-ready
Category: General
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Doesn’t it all give you a sense of security to learn that James Clapper, President Box-o-rocks’ Director of National Intelligence, didn’t know the other day that 12 Al Qaeda terrorist morons had been arrested earlier in London where they had planned a whole string of attacks on the Brits. His staff explained that Clapper, who oversees 16 intelligence agencies, was “too busy” to have been advised of the London plot. (Do you think he might have been occupied trying to increase the social outreach between the U.S. and its many Muslim friends from the religion of peace and lovvvvvvvvvve?) Good God, we’ve got the Marx Brothers in the White House.
Dec 13, 2010
Fat is as fat does:
Category: General
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 Lady Shmatta — oops, excuse me, FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA — has declared that child fat “is a national security threat.” I’ll buy that, except one must also point out that an even bigger national security threat is the fat between her husband’s ears….(Bless His Holy Name.)
Well, pal, don’t be picky; there’s a lot going on. Like, how’s that closing down of Gitmo coming? Oh….

Well, at least we’ve gotten rid of the Patriot Act, right? Oh….
Well, of course we’re going to try terrorists in civilian courts in Michigan, right? Oh…
Well, at least we’ve opened up “new avenues of dialogue and understanding” and now Iran and North Korea just love us in America.

Oh….

Well, maybe we can get Rahm Emanuel elected Mayor of Chicago…..

ALL RIGHT!!!! LET’S GET ‘EM, BOYS AND GIRLS. STAND BACK. HERE COMES PRESIDENT BOX’O'ROCKS AND HIS TELEPROMPTER., READY TO DO BATTLE IN SOME REAL IMPORTANT BUSINESS LIKE ELECTING ANOTHER CROOK MAYOR OF CHICAGO.

And, then next, he’s gonna handle the problem of all the fat kids in America — by hiring every fat woman in America he can find and pay her $80K per year to tell us all how it’s done.
Dec 7, 2010
Hey, all 57 states, listen up:
Category: General
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 I don’t often get much of a laugh out of politicians’ yap-yap but President Box’o'rocks’ struggles with the English language are the gift that keeps on giving.

Last month, in a string of seven interviews, Sarah Palin misspoke herself once and said South Korea when she meant North Korea and, of course, the press was all over her for it.

But Ms. Palin apparently has a mean streak and so she responded by posting the following message on her Facebook page:

A Thanksgiving Message to All 57 States
By Sarah Palin on Thursday, November 25, 2010 at 8:46pm

“My fellow Americans in all 57 states, the time has changed for come. With our country founded more than 20 centuries ago, we have much to celebrate – from the FBI’s 100 days to the reforms that bring greater inefficiencies to our health care system. We know that countries like Europe are willing to stand with us in our fight to halt the rise of privacy, and Israel is a strong friend of Israel’s. And let’s face it, everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma and they end up taking up a hospital bed. It costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early, and they got some treatment, and ah, a breathalyzer, or an inhalator. I mean, not a breathalyzer, ah, I don’t know what the term is in Austrian for that…”

These are, in case you hadn’t been paying attention, some of the recent gaffes of….all together now….President Box’o'rocks (Bless His Holy Name), the greatest speakerator ever to take up temporary lodging at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Not that you’d have much occasion to notice because the press never covers such Presidential gaffes.

And he was at it again last week, when he told a foreign audience that our national motto was E Pluribus Unum and some ministers had to remind him that our motto is In God We Trust. Let’s see what next week brings.
Dec 5, 2010
Nobody asked me but...
Category: General
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 Do liberals ever feel shame? Or do they lack that gene? Her own college has finally stopped awarding any Helen Thomas prize in honor of the grizzled old Jew-hating Lebanese numbskull because of her latest rant of stupidity. But it turns out that she has received more than 75 honorary degrees in her ignorant puke of a life from colleges who just wanted to be, oh, so politically correct by honoring this distaff representative of the White House press corps. Well, this ugly old gorgon should have all her honorary degrees lifted immediately. But don’t hold your breath.

 

Al Gore says that getting oil from shale is a terrible idea. He also says that his last big suggestion, to starve half the world to death so we could make overpriced, inefficient gasoline from ethanol, was not such a good idea in retrospect. I’m sure all the people who died of hunger thanks to this jackass will appreciate his belated honesty.

And then we come to President Box’o'rocks (Bless His Holy Name.) Remember a few months ago, this yokel was jawboning Germany to start spending more money on “stimulus” to brighten up its weak economy. They should also, opined this smartestest, most brilliantest economic thinker, increase their deficit and everything would work out just fine. Germany decided to ignore him as most people ignore any street corner pest. And so here we are, some months later, and America has spent itself into catastrophe, our unemployment is nearing 10 percent, and no one has any money. And what of Germany? They went their own way. They didn’t spend money they didn’t have and they didn’t expand the welfare state. So now their unemployment rate is 7 percent and they have the strongest economy in Europe and are regularly called upon to bail out Europe’s other losers who tried to follow the Box’o'rocks model. It makes your teeth hurt, how dumb is this temporary resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. (God Bless his Holy Name.)

Oh and one final word about the openestest most honestest administration in history. Remember last week when they said they had surveyed military personnel on duty and they were okay with repealing “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Well, it turns out they didn’t survey anybody on combat duty who don’t want that rule repealed. And this week, the top Army general and the Marine Corps commandant both testified before Congress that the rule should stand. So I guess it was only a little lie from the White House.

I’ve got a headache; I’ve got to lie down.
Dec 4, 2010
What I wished I’d seen:
Category: General
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 Derek Anderson, the quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, was hammered last week because he was seen talking on the bench and smiling with a teammate while his team was losing by 18 points. The looney press in all its looney majesty was all over that — losing is a laughing matter? How can you do something so terrible as that? And for a moment, I wished I had heard Anderson say something like this:

“Yeah, I was talking to my teammate. You see, one of his kids has been dying, painfully, of incurable cancer and he just got word that there has been a miracle cure and the kid’s going to survive and that’s why I was smiling. I know I was wrong. I know I should have said to him, ‘Hey, keep your stupid inconsequential news to yourself until the game is over. Don’t you know we’re losing and that’s all that’s important in the world?’   Honest, press guys, I’ll never make that same mistake again.”

If QB Anderson had said something like that, do you think it would have embarrassed the sports writers who were grilling him? Naaah; Sportswriters as a class are beyond shame and beneath contempt.
Nov 26, 2010
Gobblers abounding…
Category: General
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It was pleasant the other day to see three turkeys on the White House lawn. Too bad that only two of them were escorted out of town.
Nov 19, 2010
News I don’t believe
Category: General
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Drudge is reporting today on a study that says 20 percent of Americans are mentally ill. One out of five? I don’t believe it. There are more liberals than that.
Nov 17, 2010
My new favorite show
Category: General
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I have never watched so much as one minute of “Dancing With the Stars,” but next week, that ends. I’m watching and watching, until the end when (I presume) one votes, and I’m casting mine for Bristol Palin. I don’t care if she dances worse than Jesse Ventura; she’s got my nod. And you know why…because if she wins, it will make the liberal cuckoo clocks even nuttier than usual. Can you imagine the conspiracy theories that’ll be running around the next day? Palin Derangement Syndrome will suddenly be triggered by a second Palin, and the libs will get twice as nuts, twice as often. It’s all worth it, boys and girls; get in your vote for Bristol.
Nov 17, 2010
Aren’t we forgetting something?
Category: General
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So the old crook Charlie Rangell has been censured by the Congress and sometime before the next ice age will be punished by having his wrist slapped…and then life will go on…except…..
If you or I had hidden assets, had failed to pay our taxes, didn’t report our income and cheated the public by illegally getting rent-controlled apartments in NYC, we’d be on our way to a grand jury, an indictment, a trial and a jail term. Is it possible that in Box’o'rocks’ America, Mister Charlie is above the law?

Well, probably….after all, he didn’t do anything really criminal like try to fly an American flag on his bicycle or open up a lemonade stand, like some of those grade school thugs in California. 
Nov 17, 2010
Misery loving company
Category: General
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I don’t know how much of the credit for him that our homeland czar, Janet No-Brainitano, deserves but I’ve just seen an interview with her transportation safety chief, John Pistole, and he is even dumber than she is. The two of them have lowered the bar for public service competence so much that the only way President Box’o'rocks may rival this standard in future appointments will be to recruit in insane asylums.
Nov 11, 2010
Guess who didn’t make it to the party
Category: General
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Don’t any of you veterans get bent out of shape because President Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name) was among the missing on Veterans Day. His heart was in the right place — he was observing Heroes Day in Indonesia, honoring warriors for that great Muslim country. There is no truth however to the rumor that he is out there primarily to look at retirement homes, with a mortgage closing date of January 2013.
Nov 4, 2010
The Democrats’ nightmare:
Category: General
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 Democratic political operatives being the scum that they are — (hey, don’t look at me. I’m retired scum.) –you know that they must have hired every private detective in Florida to go out and dig up dirt on Marco Rubio, the new Republican Senator Elect. That they found nothing was obvious because otherwise they would have blasted it out through their butt-wipe house organs like Jon Stewart and Leno and Letterman. Remember, these Dem ops are the people who, striking a blow for their favorite cause of women’s equality, called female opponents in this election slut, bitch and whore. But silence about Rubio. That says more than words.

So how scared do you think they are of him in 2012 and, especially, 2016? Chris Matthews’ leg must be absolutely quivering by now. This PMSNBC jackass was thinking of running for Senator in Pennsylvania. Now, all he has to look forward to is a lifetime of trying to pretend that Keith Doberman is funny. Good luck, Chris.
Nov 4, 2010
Close call…but one more enemy dispatched
Category: General
[More] 
 Man, I was really worried about this week’s election. Two wars underway, no jobs for anyone, the economy in shambles, the country going broke with debt in the trillions, two imbeciles appointed to the Supreme Court, Obama-care threatening to kill us all….man, it was scary.
But, as ever, one brave group of American heroes rose to the challenge. Staring with steely eyes into the depths of the problems afflicting our society, they dared to act:

And so, the gallant voters of San Francisco, rose up, went to the polls and voted overwhelmingly to outlaw the McDonald’s Happy Meal. Starting next year, McDonald’s can no longer give away a toy with its meals for kids –that is, unless the meal itself is cooked from grass and wood and has a fat content no greater than that of Ramses’ mummy.

God save the mark.

Let’s face it, folks. There is no hope for the left coast…and now that they’re replacing the Gubernator (awful) with Governor Moonbeam (even worse), the end may be only months away. Don’t buy California bonds, not even if they give them away with your Happy Meal.
Oct 27, 2010
Happy Days are here again….
Category: General
[More] 
 Well, November is nearly upon us. Soon, we will have an election. And then, a couple of days later, Box’o'rocks will levitate himself and his entourage, including Lady Schmatta, to India where their party will take over 1,000 hotel rooms — (rather than stay home and face the American electorate). And then, sometime during this trip, Box’o'rocks, the smartest, most intelligentest, most articulatest, the greatest orationalist, will wander over to address the indian Parliament.

This is a place where they have been speaking English forever. However, to celebrate the arrival of the most wonderfulest speaker of all time, they are installing a teleprompter so the genius doesn’t forget what country he’s in. Hey, pal, just do what you do with Mexicans — wish them a happy Cinco de Quatro….Or tell them to go out and kill a cow or something and let’s have a Barack-A-Barbecue… how can that go wrong?

Anyway, back to November….and then later in the month comes Veterans Day which, if past prformance is any clue. Box’o'rocks will be too busy to observe and then Thanksgiving, which, of course, they would have observed, except it’s all about those nsty Pilgrims killing those sweet Indians and stuff like trhat, and how can anybody give thanks to such a terrible country. Go get ‘em, genius.

Meanwhile, here comes Hillary.
Oct 27, 2010
Even a stopped clock…..
Category: General
[More] 
 Well, finally, Jimmeh Carter has said something that is correct. He suggested that America hasn’t improved much in 30 years. And he may just be right. Thirty years ago, the White House was infested with the ignorant, anti-semite moron, Jimmy Carter. And, now, 30 years later, the White House is infested by the arrogant, ignorant, egomaniacal moron, President Box’o'rocks (Bless His Holy Name). Fortunately, in the interim between these thirty-year milestones, we were lucky enough to have some Americans in the White House who understood what this country was about and saved it from the socialist garbage heap offered up by people like Jimmeh and Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name.)

 

A postscript:  Back in the days of Carter,  the press kept offering up laments like “America is too big to be governed now” and “The Presidency is too big a job for one man.”  All that ended when Ronald Reagan took office and people found out the Presidency wasn’t too big a job — at least if the man trying to do it wasn’t a midget, ala the Peanut Boy from Plains, Georgia.

Now we’re hearing the same thing again, thirty years later.  Newsweek, whose lefto views just resulted in the entire company being sold for one dollar, has a cover story about the Presidential job being too big.  Same old hogwash.  Same old leftie excuse offered up to exonerate incompetents like Prsident Box’o'rocks (Bless his holy name.)

Earth to Newsweek:  see previous comment about midgets in the White House.
Oct 19, 2010
The return of Dumb and Dumber
Category: General
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Just when we thought it was safe to go outside again, comes the news that Jane Fonda and Ted Turner are going to work together to save the planet. Thank God. With them, President Box’o'rocks, Pelosi, Al Gore, how can we miss?
Oct 6, 2010
Six of one, half-dozen etc. etc.
Category: General
[More] 
Well, a Presidential commission has just reported back about the BP oil spill. It turns out, commission wise, in the report that Box’o'rocks administration was either incompetent in dealing with the spill or was lying about how bad it was.

How about both of them being true?
Oct 3, 2010
Here, let me confuse you with a fact:
Category: General
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Everyone’s heard about rats deserting a sinking ship — even the ship of state at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But how to characterize Rahm Emanuel going back to run for mayor of Chicago? Is that sort of like a criminal returning to the scene of the crime?

One of my regular correspondents seems to think I underestimated the contributions of the religion of peace and luuuuvvvvvv to the world. Pardon me while I intrude with a statistic. In the world, 1.4 billion Muslims, 20 per cent of the world’s population. Nobel Prizes — four, including the Comedy Channel peace prize given to the crook Arafat. World’s Jews: 14 million — one fifth of one percent of the world’s population. Nobel prizes received: 129.
Sep 29, 2010
Nobody asked me but...
Category: General
[More] 
Is President Box’o'rocks a Muslim? Some people might have thought so last week, but not anymore — not now that he has hit the campaign trail with Jesus at his side. I haven’t seen such a outright display of religiosity since Bubba used to be photographed on the steps of the church, holding his Bible, and glancing at his watch because he didn’t want to be late for lunch with Monica.

If this keeps up, the next time Obama shows up, they’ll skip Hail to the Chief and instead play Onward Christian Soldiers.

I hate waiters and waitresses — (ooops, sorry, waitstaff) — who respond to everything with “No problem.” Yeah, children, there is a problem, namely why are you too dumb to say Thank you or You’re welcome? Or am I just getting old and cranky?

So Lebron James. If he had wanted money, he could have stayed in Cleveland and owned the city. If he wanted headlines, he could have gone to New York. If he had wanted to be the only big fish in the pond, he could have gone most anywhere. Instead he passed on money and headlines and being the largo al factotum, and went to Miami where he’s going to just be one of three superstars. And why? Because he thought this was his best chance to win championships. Now he has been voted one of the six most disliked athletes in America. Stupid. Since when is it a sin to want to win? There’s too much sports on television and so, having to fill up that much time, there are too many nitwits flapping their jaws constantly. Bring back dominoes. 
Sep 18, 2010
Careful where you tread, Jon…updated
Category: General
[More] 
Jon Stewart of the Comedy Channel, following in the tradition of Walter Crackhead as America’s most trusted jackass, is planning a Glen Beckish type rally in Washington just before the election.

Go for it, Jon. Bring your expected gang of nitwits, to look, talk and act stupid, and litter the hell out of Washington, D.C. This will enable President Box’o'rocks to hire a lot of kids to sweep up after you and he can call those jobs created by his stimulus program.

But be careful, Jon, not to say anything that might offend the president, or you might find your name removed from the roster of official butt-wipes. On second thought, not much chance of Stewart saying anything offensive, is there?

An update: six weeks later, Stewart hosts the President and reaffirms his butt-wipe status by doing everything except shine Obama’s shoes. One supposes that Stewart saves his acid witlessness for Republicans and conservatives. Somebody watching the show pegged it perfectly: a useful idiot confronting a useless idiot. Amen.
Sep 18, 2010
Ain’t religion grand?
Category: General
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One sees where six Muslim practitioners of the religion of peace and luuuuuuuuuv have been nabbed in London for an apparent plot perhaps to kill the Pope. With luck, they will all be hanged. But, hey, it could be worse. Instead of trying to kill the Pope, they might have tried to draw his picture — as Jesus’s spokesman on earth — and the only correct punishment for that is beheading, as all we religious practitioners of luuuuuuuv understand.
Sep 17, 2010
what a difference a couple of years makes
Category: General
[More] 
Driving out of Walmart’s today, there was a young guy, 35-ish, clean and shaven, standing near the parking lot entrance with a sign:

JOBLESS VETERAN — NEEDS ANY KIND OF WORK
I haven’t seen one of those in a long time, so one more reason to cheer President Box’o'rocks as he continues to dismantle the American job machine.

On another front, I can’t claim credit for this ’cause one of my rotten kids sent it to me, but you might find it interesting.

If George Bush was an idiot…

If George W. Bush had doubled the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had criticized a state law that he admitted he never even read, would you think that he is just an ignorant hot head?

If George W. Bush joined the country of Mexico and sued a state in the United States to force that state to continue to allow illegal immigration, would you question his patriotism and wonder whose side he was on?

If George W. Bush had put 87000 workers out of work by arbitrarily placing a moratorium on offshore oil drilling on companies that have one of the best safety records of any industry because one company had an accident would you have agreed?

If George W. Bush had used a forged document as the basis of the moratorium that would render 87000 American workers unemployed would you support him?

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompTer installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan’s holdings of GM stock by 90% but then given the unions a pass and a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the nonexistent “Austrian language,” would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had stated that there were 57 states in the United States , would you have said that he is clueless?

If George W. Bush would have flown all the way to Denmark to make a five minute speech about how the Olympics would benefit him walking out his front door in Texas , would you have thought he was a self important, conceited, egotistical jerk.?

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to “Cinco de Cuatro” in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

If George W. Bush had misspelled the word “advice” would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoes as proof of what a dunce he is?

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he’s a hypocrite?

If George W. Bush’s administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans, would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

If George W. Bush had created the position of 32 Czars who report directly to him, bypassing the House and Senate on much of what is happening in America , would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can’t think of anything? Don’t worry. He’s done all this in 18 months — so you’ll have maybe two more years to come up with an answer.
Jul 23, 2010
Three cheers for Mister Charlie
Category: General
[More] 
Back in the middle of the last Ice Age, Congress began to investigate New York Rep. Charlie Rangel for “ethics” violations. The “ethics committee” — while some of its members are still alive — have finally decided to bring Charlie to justice, presumably by forcing him to pay his own cell phone bill. They’re going to hold hearings. So there, Rangel. Take that!

Meanwhile Charlie games the corruption system again, despite being in office during the most honestest and most transparentest and most ethicalest administation of all time. You can only imagine what would have happened to you if you had somehow failed to mention a half-million dollar checking account; or a condo on a Caribbean island, or four rent-controlled apartments in NYC that you were renting for spit, and taking bribes….oops, scratch that, I mean gifts…and if it were you, you could well imagine you’d be on your way to Leavenworth right now. But not Mister Charlie.

Lovely sidebar yesterday: Rangel was asked by a TV reporter if he would resign if found guilty and he snapped “Who are you with?,” fully expecting the reporter to say Fox News so Charlie could ahve launched into one of his right-wing-conspiracy diatribes. But when the reporter was identified as Luke Russert, Tim Russert’s son, working for MSNBC, Charlie was heart-sick and mumbled something about how it used to be a good station. Obviously, he had never heard of any of the NBC stations asking a corrupt Democratic hack a serious, legitimate news question.

But don’t worry about it; nothing’ll happen for the next four years, and Charlie will be reelected as King of the Fools year after year after year. Some things never change.
Jul 21, 2010
A political tale from a land far away
Category: General
[More] 
Hello, my friends, and here we are for the history lesson of the day. We are going back to the olden times of Chicago when it was an evil, corrupt city, where politicians and criminals ran roughshod over the populace and stole their money and got their wives appointed to sinecure jobs that they did nothing to earn. Well, we’re done with that, aren’t we?

After all, now we have the Chicago of President Box’o'Rocks, who is the most honestest, the most wonderfulest, the most uncorruptiblest, well, just simply the most and best of everything — (including the best author never to have written his own book, but more on that at a later date.)

anyway, in the old evil chicago of the past, this is what would have happened….some corrupt governor would have been indicted by some ambitious u.s. attorney who himself wanted to become governor; so the governor would start talking up a blue streak, about how he was going to testify about what he knew and call as witnesses the president and all the president’s men and all the president’s women and pretty soon at 1600 pennslyvania avenue, they started to get antsy because this nitwit governor of illinois knew where the bodies were buried and nobody wanted to ehar anybody tetify about it… so guess what….in this lunatic land in illinois, long ago and far away, the governor decides not to testify; the judge decides to send him away for just a little bit; the white house manages to escape embarrassment by not having all its criminal thugs being cross-examined under oath, and — wow, what a surprise — suddenly one u.s. attorney is going to be supported for the governor’s seat and, if that doesn’t work, he is going to be nominated for the next post on the federal judicial bench. but of course, this is all a fairy-tale, from back in the day when chicago wasn’t the nicest, bestest, most honorablest, city in the united states because it was the home field for PRESIDENT BOX’O'ROCKS OBAMA, all hail his glorious name.

pardon me while i retch.
Jul 21, 2010
Way down under and no comment
Category: General
[More] 
In Australia, the land of dwarf-tossing where most people don’t get upset about too much, the powers-that-be at an Aussie film festival have decided to ban the first “necrophiliac, gay zombie, hardcore porn” film. At last report, the film’s director Bruce LaBruce is simply shattered. (You can look it up.)
Jul 12, 2010
Words I can't believe I'm writing:
Category: General
[More] 
Three cheers for Jesse Jackson.

He is absolutely right that Dan Gilbert, who regards himself as the slavemaster of the Cleveland Cavaliers, was way out of line in his attack on Lebron James for “daring” to leave the city and sign a contract with some other team. There must be something about the game of basketball that makes team owners nuts…witness Mark Cuban from the Dallas Mavericks. But that’s another story. This story is the Rev. Jackson quite correctly nailing that noisy Cleveland blowhard. Right on, Rev.
Jul 8, 2010
Nobody asked me but...
Category: General
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I think we should take up a collection to buy a set of crayons for her so that Lindsay Low-rent can amuse herself during her few weeks in jail.

The idiot now running NASA said the agency has been charged with the responsiblity by President Box’o'Rocks to do Muslim outreach and make Muslims feel good about their contributions to science. And that would be, in the last thousand years, exactly what….?

Janet No-Brain-itano has just changed what is laughingly called her mind and said that fed employes once again are allowed to listen to controversial opinions — including those that suggest this woman should be put away in a place with a rubber room.

Somebody tell me this isn’t true — that the Justice Department agreed to drop the polling place charges against the New Black Panthers — (even stupider than the old Black Panthers) — when one of them promised…(I swear to God I read this in two places)…”not to carry a deadly weapon near a polling place until 2012.” Maybe that IS right. Who says we’ll still be using polling places after 2012?
Jul 7, 2010
More Left Coast nuttiness
Category: General
[More] 
How absolutely great is this? The San Francisco health department has issued rules for how marijuana brownies must be baked. And bakers are warned to be sure to put on the label whether the brownies have any nuts in them, because ingesting nuts could be dangerous.
Jun 28, 2010
De mortuis nihil nisi bonum…okay, I’m trying
Category: General
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Jun 27, 2010
Come fill the cup? Not here, buddy.
Category: General
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Jun 15, 2010
What’s so great about a free press anyway?
Category: General
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Jun 9, 2010
Coming up soon.
Category: General
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May 12, 2010
Nobody asked me, but…
Category: General
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May 7, 2010
The wisdom of Steven Wright
Category: General
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May 7, 2010
More thigh-slapping humor from the comedy cowards
Category: General
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May 7, 2010
If they keep this up, soon all crimes will be illegal
Category: General
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May 6, 2010
Greece-ing the skids for the good new U.S.S. of A.
Category: General
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May 5, 2010
Happy Fifth of the Fourth….or Like that
Category: General
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May 5, 2010
Don’t confuse me with someone who gives a hoot
Category: General
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May 4, 2010
Let a smile be your umbrella
Category: General
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May 4, 2010
Things aren’t always simple; just some people are simple
Category: General
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Apr 18, 2010
And now time for a factoid
Category: General
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Apr 18, 2010
Hero of the week
Category: General
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Apr 15, 2010
A buck here, a buck there…it all adds up
Category: General
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Apr 15, 2010
Beam Me Up and Make Sure Bones is Sober
Category: General
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Apr 15, 2010
Fighting for the vote of every last turtle
Category: General
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Mar 31, 2010
H’wood…where stupid is the new smart
Category: General
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Mar 25, 2010
Good night, sweet prince and princess
Category: General
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Mar 23, 2010
How little Acorns grow into great jokes
Category: General
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Mar 21, 2010
Let’s hear it for the N-word
Category: General
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Mar 20, 2010
The little man from the Lollipop Guild
Category: General
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Mar 16, 2010
The road to perfection
Category: General
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Mar 16, 2010
Don't waste your money
Category: General
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Mar 16, 2010
Friendship, Friendship, Just a Perfect Blendship
Category: General
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Mar 12, 2010
Now Here's Something Really Scary
Category: General
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Mar 10, 2010
Or Maybe it Was Just a Wild and Crazy Wee, Bricht Moonlicht Nicht
Category: General
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Mar 10, 2010
How the Crisis Flu the Coop:
Category: General
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Mar 10, 2010
Lyrics for the Ages:
Category: General
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Mar 8, 2010
’24′ is Getting Deep-Sixed
Category: General
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Mar 8, 2010
Calling John Edwards or some other Smart Cookie
Category: General
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Mar 3, 2010
Of fascists, Mark Steyn and here’s how it works:
Category: General
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Mar 3, 2010
Oy Vey, Canada
Category: General
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Mar 3, 2010
Disa and Data
Category: General
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Feb 25, 2010
Attention, S&M Freaks:
Category: General
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Feb 24, 2010
Hello…and an Air Kiss from the Chairman for Life
Category: General
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Sep 16, 2009
hello from maitland
Category: General
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